A struggle and a blessing. These terms can almost be viewed as oxymoronic.
Yet you have beautifully meshed them to express what your heart feels and to show how you have accepted the will of God. Your expression “…but I remind myself of who God is. He is gracious, kind, loving, wise…He is who He is according to His will, according to His good purposes, and according to His wisdom” says it all.
It’s expressions like these that allow us to appreciate God’s sovereignty, especially when painful trials take up residence in the core of our being.
Although I cannot identify with infertility, I have been in a place where I prayed “when, God, when”, because I was so sure that one day I would be able to say the words “my husband”. Now, at this stage of my life, I have embraced the gift of singleness with a profound thankfulness…because of “His wisdom”, and I am so at peace with it.
Finally, thanks for your truthfulness, as this only shows how we as believers can stand together in love, joy, peace, and most of all thankfulness. We are reminded of David’s words in Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song, I will praise Him.